By Themba Khumalo
Commencing from an early age, children are steered towards conducting themselves in exacting customs. Their elders who have travelled the same journey, now totally rooted in society, have all kinds of opinions of what makes a picture-perfect child, or what necessitates children to become refined grown-ups.
More often than not, the boy child is moulded to measure up to a masculine model of being resilient, strong and above all else, never to cry. From here on, as they become adult men, they embark on a journey that persuades them to be unresponsive to anything that might ordinarily expose emotions.
Boys are sculpted to be tough and even thick-skinned, based on this preposterous manly model, rather than submitting to the loving and gentle state human beings are naturally born with.
Little wonder then that a lot of men have been conditioned to bottle up their feelings. You are only a man when you conceal your problems and show no emotions, as per the prehistoric conditioning.
A man who reveals his vulnerability, fears and other masculine flaws is seen as a wimp, someone who is unworthy, never to be taken seriously, a weakling, so says society.
Men who have deficiencies in matters of virility find it difficult to talk openly because they fear the risk of damaging the archetype persona of what they have been given a grounding in for ages – to shut up, toughen up and be a man.
Through societal engineered nature, being a male of the human species has always meant that you have to grin and bear it no matter how hard. You are expected to demonstrate influential attributes even if the odds are heavily stacked against you.
A man, no matter how broken or bruised, is expected to be emotionally disengaged and lead the household with proficiency.
After many generations of wearing a mask of invincibility, let society remember that men are also human. Much as today’s life may appear somewhat becoming equal at a cursory glance, the question still remains: why is it that men continue to allow themselves to be treated so inhospitably just to hide their true emotions and delicate propensities at a time of cultural revolution?
South Africa is in the throes of an ever-growing pandemic of gender-based violence. The cases keep increasing. Many people in our society are tormented by the beastly form of violence born out of the pressure placed upon men.
The sick and misguided idea of shaping men to be stoic has a direct bearing on the reprehensible acts of violence they carry out on their loved ones.
The internal conflict in the minds and hearts of men has been the cause of hundreds of deaths of women at the hands of their male partners.
This honestly gets to illustrate that we all still fail to come close to our inner emotions and the subsequent aftermaths are all too chillingly palpable.
Crime statistics for the period October to December 2021 paint a bloodcurdling picture – 902 women were murdered. Of these murders, 232 were as a direct result of domestic violence. In the course of the same period, there were 11,315 rape cases reported. If you break this number down, it comes to an average of 123 rape cases per day.
With such numbers, as a people we are yet to honestly confront this unquestionably catastrophic problem laying siege to the way men handle themselves and deal with their emotional relationships.
This issue is clearly an offshoot of the load placed on men to act and behave in a particular manner. As men, it is high time we learnt to love and nurture the emotional side of ourselves so that we are able to become skilled at dealing with the behaviour that has made us murderous demons.
Instead of bottling up our feelings until our hellish emotions and dearth of affection negatively impacts the ones we actually care about, we need to adopt, to a greater extent, having or displaying a delicate appreciation of our feelings. We must embrace ourselves and our regularly suppressed sentimental instincts.
For the love of humankind, let us treat ourselves and our emotions better and develop a stronger sense of self-worth, in order to make our homes and neighbourhoods safer.
It behoves everybody to provide support for men and boys in order to stop them from closing off emotionally. Let everyone lend a helping hand and make males appreciate the benefits of expressing what others tend to consider feminine conduct.
Society has a critical role in assisting men to position themselves in a way that will encourage self-acceptance and also treat each other with respect. This can go a long way in enabling men to extend proper love and care to the women and children around them.
In this psychological war of outdated customs, pre-historical expectations, poisonous stereotypes, we need all hands on the deck.
More than anything, it start with the person you are looking at in the mirror. Have an honest conversation with yourself so that you can help other men to overcome this dated stereotype and create a new path to a world of inclusion, peace and prosperity.
