By Amanda Ngudle
A maturing man of a certain age is thinking beyond his golden years and actually takes long strides to make sure he cushions the blows of the twilight years ahead by making a few life adjustments.
Then, there is the other minor group whose panic against ageing sends them in the other direction – splurging, hair transplants and the gym, for the lucky ones.
The not-so-lucky have been known to withdraw their life savings, splurge it on sports cars or new young wives and moving to different countries. They call it the mid-life crisis and it can hit any man or woman at any time withing a certain age bracket. It’s not a secret that it tends to hit the male gender the most.
For Oscar Thabethe (not his real name) the phenomenon happened slowly.
“One day, I was walking back to my car and noticed that at the age of 45 my car was still the cheapest in the parking lot and it hurt me deeply when I realised just how many 30-something-year-olds were driving snazzier cars and living in better complexes and I felt a hard-hitting fact, that I was a failure,” he recalls.
“After that, I couldn’t shake the feeling that if I didn’t change my car, I would go to my grave a resentful man. Then, I visited a friend at a new established complex and saw what a legacy he would leave behind for his children and I almost doubled over with self-loathe.” Oscar was lucky in a sense that he was a reflective man and stopped himself from drowning in debt in a desperate attempt to “improve” his life.
“It’s only that I was scared of further debt, but would have done something about the car if I had available cash at the time,” he said. Experts describe this period as a phase of confusion fuelled by fears of not having lived a full life. It pushes a man to invest in his hobbies, new or old, or make him take a fat “last chance” at happiness. Dr Renette Swanepoel calls this a normal phase “made abnormal by society”.
She says: “I even want to compare it to the teenage years because it’s a milestone, the only difference about it is that not all decisions around this phase are positive,” she notes.
“Sometimes decisions can be so outlandish, they leave spouses and children completely gobsmacked. But that’s because they have no one to talk to most of the time.” Though there are no medical reasons why both men and women go through this phase or medication to deal with the problem, experts say to remember the following before making rash decisions.
Remember feelings change. Also, just because you feel something it doesn’t mean you have to act on it.
Try to picture your life with those bombed dreams. Would your life be worth the regret?
Be thankful for other blessings. Name them one by one. Sometimes, we forget the things that have brought us where we are.
Consult. Before you make major decisions, discuss them with someone whose wise counsel you trust. They might shed light on factors you might have overlooked or help you sharpen your ideas for everyone’s gain. “Think for instance if you marry a 20-year-old. She might have a dream of having two or three kids while you might not be prepared to look after a baby at 50,” says Swanepoel.
Ask whether your wishes are realistic and wise. If you go back to varsity while your own child is also swotting for his or her own degree, could you handle the heat?
